Self-Love: We Pay it A Lot of Lip Service, But What Is It Really?

Hope and Humor Therapy Blog Post Self Love.jpg

Lately, I've been thinking about the idea of self-love. As a concept, self-love comes up a lot in my work and in my life. It's freaking everywhere! Our society is full of inspirational quotes about it, uplifting Instagram posts related to it, serene art images inspired by it. By the look of it, one would think that the US is fully of savvy self-love wizards who know exactly what it means to them and how to practice it in their lives. (If you are one of those savvy self-love wizards, I salute you!) 

In my work, when I ask clients what self-love means to them, their automatic response is that self-love is showing yourself love. Technically, that is 100% true. Self-love is showing yourself love. When I ask them what that means to them, they look at me like I'm being ridiculous. That's fair. I'm asking them to delve deeper into a concept that we all just supposed to know. 

At its root, what this reflexive answer says to me is that the mental health and wellness communities are not doing a good job of actually helping people explore their own ideas about self-love. We have the same shrug response that everyone else does, so we're perpetuating the myth that self-love is just this thing that we do, like breathing or thinking.

Well, tsk tsk to us.

Like most things, each person is going to have their own understanding of self-love. Some believe that it is a way for you to reconnect to who you were before you learned who you, "Should be." Others believe that self-love is showing yourself appreciation through actions. Still others believe that self-love is more akin to self-compassion. The important thing is to discover what you think! 

But how?

Let's break this down a bit further. 

In order to offer you a starting point, here's a definition that I've put together based on my work with women over the past few years:

Self-love is offering yourself the feelings that you deeply need in order to embrace your authentic self. 

Now, this may still seem floofy for people. 

(Cue the eye roll and the refrain: Feelings? Embracing your true self? Lauren, you are such a therapist.To which I say, fuck yes, I am.)

So here's a writing exercise to help you examine your idea of self-love:

Gather the materials you need to capture your ideas and find a space where you can be reflective. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Question to ask yourself: What are the feelings that I wish were most present in my life?(Alternatively: What are the feelings that I most deeply wish to feel about myself? What are the feelings that I see others embrace that I most wish I could?)
    • Example: Maybe you’re someone who has a hard time sharing your feelings with others. You definitely feel them. You meditate on them; you think a lot about them, but the idea of telling others about them makes you want to crawl into a hole. This protective reflex makes sense and can also be limiting and frustrating at times, so trust might be a feeling that you wish you had more of in your life. Generosity or grace might be others.
      • Action step: Take a moment to think more deeply about what these terms mean to you.
        • How will you know when these feelings are more present in your life?
        • Who is a person in your life who embodies one of these feelings? How do they do so?
  • Question to ask yourself: How do others already offer these feelings to me?
    • Example: Maybe you’re a confidante for others. You know their deepest wishes and struggles. They tell you that they’re so lucky to have a trustworthy and caring friend like you.
  • Question to ask yourself: How do I already offer these feelings to myself?
    • Example: Perhaps you’re someone who trusts yourself. You explore and know how you feel and why. You consistently show up for yourself by meeting your own needs and instituting boundaries as you wish to.    
  • Question to ask yourself: How can I feel these feelings more often?
    • Example: Maybe you need to stop telling yourself that others don’t want to hear your struggles, and you need to start telling yourself that seeking support doesn’t make you weak. Perhaps you need to stop feeding the, “I’m fine,” reflex and start telling people how your life is really going.
      • Action step: Take a moment to dig more deeply into this idea.
        • What is one thing that I need to stop telling myself in order to do so?
        • What is one thing that I need to start telling myself in order to do so?
        • What is one thing that I need to stop doing in order to make that happen?
        • What is one thing that I need to start doing in order to make that happen?
  • Question to ask yourself: What is one way that I can access one of these feelings over the next week?
    • Example: Over the next week, you could make it a point to answer honestly when one closer friend asks you how your day is. If you’re struggling with something, wishing that something were different, or just having a meh day, then you share that instead of answering with a general, “Good.”
      • Action step: Create a specific plan for following through.
        • Ways to do so: Make sure that your goal is realistic, schedule a time for it to happen, enlist a commitment buddy, limit the scope and amount of time needed for trying, purchase the things you need to make it happen, remind yourself that this is your first try and you will learn from the experience.
      • Action step: At the end of the week, check in with yourself:
        • What differences am I noticing?
        • How is my plan going?
        • What do I need to tweak in order to be even more successful?

I know that this looks nice and tidy in this blog post. Is self-love actually a simple thing to explore? No! This is a beginning point. Offer yourself multiple opportunities to engage with the activity. It is not a quick fix or an automatic shift. As you explore, you’ll have your own ideas and find ways that work better for you! What it does provide is the chance to really dig in and show ourselves some true acceptance, support, trust, and even love.

-          Lauren, HHT